Facilitator Skills: Self-Reflection
Welcome to a collection of personal reflections from our dedicated facilitators and peer specialists. Each member, bringing a wealth of experience and insight, has written a piece as part of our facilitators manual to share their wisdom and highlight the unique strengths they offer. We hope each reflection shows the gift of shared experience and the healing possibilities of a supportive community. Explore these reflections for inspiration and guidance on your own learning journey.
Self-Reflection: Jim
“The gift of self and community”
Self- Reflection has many different forms and expressions, this can range from Self –Awareness, Contemplation, Prayer, Mindfulness and Meditation to name but a few. There is quite a lot of evidence for benefits of these practices in helping us to reach a more authentic, whole, wise and connected person, including reduced stress, improved learning ability, a better understanding of yourself, feeling more connected in relationships, and overall stronger well-being. While all this sounds amazing, for most of us seeking support it can seem counter institutive, our internal world is often the very thing we are trying to overcome, control or even disconnect from. The experience of rumination for some has given self-reflection a bad rap.
The difference between Rumination and Reflection is rumination is regurgitating previously eaten food and chewing on it again and again, Reflection is extracting the benefits and learning from each bite , savouring it , recognising each part and then letting it go , not just to swallow but to integrate
Reflection sounds like; “Why did I respond that way?”
Rumination sounds like “Oh my God, I can’t believe I said that, I’m so F%^*ing stupid”
Self-reflection means taking the time to think about and evaluate your character and actions. This includes reflecting on your thoughts, behaviours, values, biases, motivations, and desires. It is the process of uncovering the “why” behind your thoughts, emotions, and actions.
Practicing self-reflection takes time and intentionality. It requires that you take a step back to think about your life or your day and the reasons you think the way you think and do the things you do. Self-reflection can take many forms, including reflecting in the moment as well as after the situation has happened. Self-reflecting in the moment allows you to quickly understand your thoughts and behaviours and act on them in real-time.
In my own experience reflection has become a way of life for me, a means to embrace and bear witness to my living experience, moment by moment, internally, relationally and collectively. Reflection allows me to embrace the wonderful gift or curiosity rather than fear. For myself it can take many forms, its gift is in the fact that all things can be a window to self and each other.
At its core Reflection is about getting to know yourself as an “experience “.What does joy feel like to me , what does sadness feel like to me , what is disconnection like for me and what do I experience when I feel connected to others . I have learned that I can have “thoughts about my thoughts “as for so long I had “thoughts without thinking “. I have” wisdom within “ speaking to me , interpreting the reflections of light and colours , its impact and meaning as if I am speaking to an invisible artist within myself –
For me reflection has allowed me to embrace intimacy, to journey carefully in the “wildflower field of myself and others”.
Reflection has taught me that emotions are not good or bad , they just are , they carry messages that need to be held , heard , acknowledged and responded to .They carry wisdom , warning and direction .
The Practice
For me the practice of self-reflection is a daily activity , it starts with simple questions “What good did I see today “ or “How did I do good for people around me today “. When examining feelings I can ask “what was this feeling telling me today , did I embrace it or did I run from it “. It has moved to, what beauty did I see or experience today. I also use it if I am having a difficult conversation with a friend or co-worker and I feel the tension building. Self-reflecting in this moment helps me to keep my patience, acknowledge and understand my emotions and thoughts, and help me to identify when I have disconnected in relationship and reconnect The questions I ask myself are :
- Why am I responding this way?
- Why do I feel this way?
- What is driving my behaviour?
I also use self-reflection after situations to grow and learn from experiences. Reflections questions in this situation can be;
- Is there anything I would change about my behaviour and response next time?
- How can I overcome these challenges in the future?
Lastly, self-reflection can also be used as a tool to savour and be thankful for the enjoyable moments in life.
For example, you may think back to a special moment in your life such as an event, a sunset or memory with people you love. Returning to these moments enriches life and allows you to appreciate its beautiful moments, even when we might be in challenging circumstances .Take the example of Victor Frankyl in “Man’s Search For Meaning “even in the concentration camp he would feel the sun on his face and imagine a time when he experienced love .
Self-Reflection is a gift as it shifts us from fear based processing to what is called metacognition which is awareness and understanding of our own thoughts – we move from being a problem to being an answer, from passive to creative.
Tips and Tools
- Ask yourself questions to prompt reflection
- Journal every day
- Be able to differentiate between self-reflection and rumination
- Seek support
- Carve out time for reflection
- Use Apps /Social Media /Voice Notes
Self-Reflection builds community and safety
When it comes to relationships, experts say self-reflection is one of the most important boxes to check. When partners in a relationship are reflective and aware of their emotions, thoughts, and behaviours, they are able to better understand themselves, listen to feedback from their partner, and recognize the part they play in relationship issues.
On Better Together we give each other the gift of our reflection, it creates new meaning, gives us a place to be courageous and vulnerable and brilliant. Our reflections can become revelations, our meetings become the pallet of an artist in a co-created work of art. As said before we learn to extract the goodness of every bite of life, through and with each other. Reflection helps us to give each other the gift of our authentic self , you would never think all this would come from the simple ask of saying “When you look back on your day today what stands out for you and what is that telling you about yourself “
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